|
The balloons have all but flown away...
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 16th, 2009|03:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  enthralled | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Killswitch Engage - My curse | ] |
I have seen the Hobson's choice. I've been dealt the ill hand or two.
But you will never take this away from me. And I know that it sounds like a broken record, singing it solace into nothingness, but... for what it's worth... it's all the same love... to me.
And I love you.
A bandit with nothing other than small demands,
Ben |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 2nd, 2009|10:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Kanye West - Robocop | ] |
Yes, sir.
Three years and a little change, and it's adios muchacho to this town. There are obvious logistic tangles that must be sorted out, but hey; I'm a smart guy, right? It's probably not too hard to figure out. The motive is as follows: travel around Europe, meet foreign people, eat delicious food in exotic places, and (this above all), rock the fuck out. Can't wait to see what kind of musicians exist in the crevices of the planet. Maybe to Japan, as well? Hmmm.
Mixed feelings about the trip. As much as Ithaca is a frustrating environ, it's home. I've never been able to admit that. Maybe it was about time. I can't believe it's been as long as it has since I've been back. Much has changed, though. Valuable lessons learned, friendships forged, tears shed, blood spilled, appetites broadened. The list could stretch miles.
The most important thing I blundered upon: respect. Not only for myself and others, but everything that keeps this bewildering circus in motion. It's fascinating how much you would learn to simply sit back quietly, and watch the hilarity ensue as other humans walk their chosen path through life. I can't tell you how often I'm surprised, angered, touched, and moved by the actions the human mind will concoct, for good or for bad. A strange balance of complete lucidness, and total, irrational nonsense.
God bless you, fellas. You make the world so much more hilarious to live in.
Russian rockets couldn't stop me,
.Ben. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2008|09:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Panic! at the Disco - That green gentleman (things have changed) | ] |
Figured I'd stop in and write a quick one.
Things are really good. Doom Pigeon is flying to dangerous heights and shredding licks not meant for human minds. You cannot kill the metal.
On a more serious note, I've discovered a fellow musician who is a potential partner in crime for musical devices. If so, more messages will follow under the heading of band progression, perhaps lyrics, and other related nonsense that sounds self-indulgent and coy.
Off to save the universe, (or anything one can get their hands on)
.Ben. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 2nd, 2008|04:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Booda Velvets - Headrush | ] |
It seems like a life-time since I've posted here. Yet, with somewhat withheld method, the same words and feelings seem to find themselves in their old haunts. Perhaps with some kind of elementary post script, the words of the past creep and crawl and insinuate their way into the brain; ceasing the synapse of irregular junctions so familiar to our heads. It's comforting, in some respects, but it remains a mystery how we wonder and cope with these thoughts; these...feelings.
Does it really feel like a life-time? Or am I only tricking myself to believe that it feels like that long? Is it a self-preservational instinct that drives the self to survive and prosper (in the most positive of ways, I hope), and be the lion's mane of their pride?
Or do we let the Beast be un-caged, it's rage allowed to roam free?
.Sincerest.
.Ben. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 31st, 2007|10:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  grateful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | DL Incognito - Universal love | ] |
Happy New Years, everyone!
...and, you know, Happy Birthday to me.
Twenty three years of life. Amazing.
It's odd. I wouldn't change anything for the world. My love is universal, no matter for whom might claim it as their own.
Love and respects to you.
.Sincerest.
.Ben. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 16th, 2007|05:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  curious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ratat - Seventeen years | ] |
It's so strange.
I've been having these really weird and introspective thoughts lately.
I really wish that there was some way...some space to say it all in.
Somewhere, there's a quiet, strangely familiar room that I left it all in, a vague echo of the past bouncing around in the walls. It's not sad, not bitter. Bitterness seems to come to people that have regretted something they have done in their lives.
Is it wrong to regret something that I might have done? Something more I could have said? Was it wrong to be a bystander and wonder what might have happened had I reached out and interacted? I don't know.
Just questions, vaguely bouncing back on the walls.
.Sincerest.
.Ben. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2007|11:05 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Immortal Technique - Speak your mind | ] |
Woo, hung over.
Need to slow down the A-camp a little bit.
Any suggestions?
Let's talk about...
...how wasted YOU got last night.
.Sincerest.
.Ben. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2007|02:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dragonforce - Eye of the storm | ] |
I hate looking for work!
Someone shoot me in the face!
Hah.
Just kidding.
Let's talk about...
...what you do for a living.
.Sincerest.
.Ben. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2007|09:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Wolfmother - The joker and the thief | ] |
We're all the spitting image of Hermes, fleet of foot; quick to make action, an after-thought to a co-habitation of lightning strikes and quicksliver thunder pacing the atmosphere. There's never more of a time to slow down the pace of instincual thoughts, calm the beating of the heart. A peaceful moment of clarity. Tiny little instances where mirrors show more than the face behind a reflection; but a whole new world of a different dimensions that us poor fragile mortals could not fathom. A vortex of conspiracy and rebeling thought process; a momument of adolescent thrashes into an impossible ether a single conscious being refuses to except as a possibilty. The impossibilty of reason. A scientific, proclaimed beautific seige on mortality. A mass of organic copies attempting to outrun the life-span of a planet. Our planet. A land bequeathed to us. Our land. Our heritage. Our penance. The short-lived miracle of life that exsists only to be replaced by another miracle. Is it a constant life cycle that might manifest itself in a carbon compound utopia of balance and law? Is it a cyclical beast that devours it's own tail to survive?
Is our Mother willing to to succor her children much longer...?
.Sincerest.
.Ben. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 25th, 2007|07:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exanimate | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dethklok - Thunderhorse | ] |
I love my Dorothy. And I love my best friends. Like Shaun. I love him. And I love...you. You make me happy. You make me feel. I love feeling anything at all. Or nothing. I have no idea what I'm babbling about. Only that it feels good to say something at all. It would make no difference if I could write masterwork or epics. But I can't. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But you will someday...I'm sure. Oh-so-movie quotable. I love the gloss of lies and lulled smiles. How I hate. How I love. What I feel. What I say. Rabble, rabble, bitch, bitch, bitch, party, party, sex, sex, sex, and don't forget the violence...
I've become what I've always hated.
Let's talk about...
...our close friends.
.Sincerest.
.Ben. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 22nd, 2007|11:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dead to Fall - Smoke and Mirrors | ] |
Well, my marriage is finally over, after much dilly-dallying and resentment. Or is it hesitation? I don't know. I just know that it will feel a lot better when I finally get over all of this. In spite of missing my ex-wife dearly...it's too late. We were never meant to be together, and as hard as that is for me to get over...I have to.
Wherever she is, whatever it is she's doing...I hope she's happier than when she and I were married. I could wish for her to be miserable, like I am I suppose, but...what's the use? Nothing will change. Maybe she'll be happy with her new boyfriend. Or old one. Ugh, too much to explain at once.
No-one was there but me and Cass, and perhaps some of these pages shed some sort of light on our relationship...but there's only so much words can describe. Thank God I'm still human and lack in my capacity to communicate. Thank God I'm not perfect...no matter how much I want to be. It's better this way. Really.
I feel so much better by myself.
*sigh* I wish she would come home. I wish she was in my arms, and that the pain would go away. I could wish for the world....and be sorely disappointed every single fucking time.
Let's talk about...
...when I'll be in New York City. :)
.Sincerest.
.Ben. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2006|05:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ghetto Cowboy - Bone Thugs n' Harmony | ] |
You know what's weird?
Being in love and having no idea why this is so.
So...
I know this one girl who lives in New York. And she's wonderful. I know her from back in the high school days, but it was always one of those crushes that seemed more like you were in awe of the person rather than actually being interested in them. She was, at the time, a senior, and I only a lowly freshman. Quite the odds. However, now that I have had a chance to have dinner with her father, her band mate, and the lovely one in question...I have fallen head over heels in love. Call me crazy, I suppose.
This is probably the eighteenth time I've written those words in this journal (or one like it), all about different women/men, and I can still manage to justify every single person.
Ok. You can call me crazy.
Let's talk about...
...why we love those that we do.
.Sincerest.
.Ben. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 11th, 2006|05:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Against Me! - Pints of Guiness Make You Strong. | ] |
Take a deep breath, and let it out slowly.
There.
Doesn't that feel so much better?
I thought so.
Ben here, back among the living. Or at least as far as I can tell. It's been a crazy year, and words probably couln't sum it all up. I'm no longer married; no longer as naive, perhaps more insane than ever.
But, hey. When were we all ever really sane?
Supposition: Life still rolls on, the wave still ebbs and flows. I'll walk with it, and let the wave carry me on. May I end up on safe shores and calm waters, or if not...fuck it. I'll be too busy shaking hands with everyone to notice it, anyway.
Rock and fucking roll.
Let's talk about...
...how hard we rock.
.Sincerest.
.Ben. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 3rd, 2005|02:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mae - Anything | ] |
Is this everyday?
Do we talk like this all the time?
Are there so many questions that are left unanswered?
Are there are any responses that we're willing to hear?
What has happened?
Where are you?
Won't you please come back...?
Let's talk about...
...why you left.
.Sincerest.
.Ben. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2005|09:27 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | miserable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Degenerates - Open-minded surgery | ] |
I think I might be going away for a while.
Life has all but lost it's meaning, and it's such a cop-out to write that.
But that's what I'm doing.
Burning out, falling fast, and skating closer and closer to the end of my limits.
I don't know how much longer I want to feel anything at all.
At least when it's cold, I know how it will always be. How it will always end.
Please, someone...anyone...please help me.
I can't stop crying.
I can't stop these negative thoughts, and I don't know what to do.
Worst of all, I think I'm going to lose the one person who has ever made me happy, ever.
I'm sure you've heard me say that before, but this time...
I'm not sure I can make it out without her help.
If I'm of any help...
Cassie, I love you so much. With all of my heart.
Please...please, come back to me.
I miss you so fucking much.
I need you to wipe my tears. I need you to hold me. I need you to whisper in my ear and let me hang on the edge of what you say forever and always. I need you joking about whether I come to the same laundrymat often while you fold your clothes. I need your words, all of them, pouring from your lips like so many drops of water for my parched throat.
I love you. I LOVE YOU, GOD DAMMIT.
I wish you were here to see me now. I wish that you could see how sorry I am for making you cry. For making you feel betrayed. For making you feel alone. My heart has a hard time telling my head and mouth what it wants to say.
Just listen to the tremors in my heart. And be patient with me, because I know I give you such a hard time. I know sometimes I make it hard for you needlessly, out of no-where, time and again. But always...ALWAYS...
I have you in my heart, fondly thinking of the two coins on your eyes. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 5th, 2005|06:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Glass Jaw - Siberian kiss | ] |
Dear Diary,
Please stop type-casting me in my own life.
Sincerely,
.Ben. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 3rd, 2005|04:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ludacris - We got. | ] |
I'm so frickin' tired.
Sometimes work doesn't even seem worth it. When you work your ass off and other people are seeing more respect than you are, it gets annoying.
But whatever.
I shouldn't be bitching about it, because everyone has to work at some point in their life, and it's good that I'm not alone in how I feel, anyway.
So, it's all good.
I'm going to miss all of this sunlight when it gets dark and cold again. :(
I want summer back.
Let's talk about...
...what we did over the summer.
.Sincerest.
.Ben. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 26th, 2005|03:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
I'm crazy.
But that's good.
My life is awesome.
And I lhave the woman of my dreams with me, kissing my forehead right now.
I wish everyone could be this happy.
So, let's talk about...
...me some more. :)
.Sincerest.
.Ben. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 10th, 2005|02:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hopesfall - Breathe from coma. | ] |
So what the hell?
I must be really childish. Who else could play the silence game so well?
Do you like how I'm talking in riddles and be as vague as I possibly can?
I thought you might.
Well, whatever.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
Let's talk about...
...something else.
.Sincerest.
.Ben. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 5th, 2005|02:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Degenerates - Thirty minute mile. | ] |
I love...
...the wind in your hair, and when the sun emblazens it like fire.
...the smile that seems so perfect compared to every other smile before it.
...the sidewalks shifting and changing for your passage.
...the bloom of flowers in your eyes.
...the open-minded surgery when I talk to you, and how my thoughts come unstitched.
...every single moment that your fingers brush my arms like a gentle breeze.
...sighing in contentment when things don't go my way, and to see you still smiling.
...every idle threat and sharp tone in your voice, because every little piece of you...
...is what I love.
And as long as I live...
I'll try and remind you every day that I'm still thinking of you,
And what I love.
I love...
...you.
Let's talk about...
being surprised. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
facesinamirror's journal